My Immortal
by shelovedhorses
Summary: A songfic about Kagome's life after Sesshoumaru's when he dies fighting Inu Yahsa. Sesskag


Title: My immortal

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or 'my immortal'..

Beta: Kyllia Kakanto

(A/N and yes, I knoe this has been totally overdone, but this song is perfect for the type of emotions Kagome goes through, it fits so well I couldn't help but use it too…)

Silently the tears gently slid down her face, the music never did soften her nerves. Facing the Goshinboku on her knees, Kagome helplessly held the CD player close to her, as if her life was depending on it. The shade covered her whole body as she leant into the tree for warmth. There was one song she played over and over again, that if she did not carry everywhere she might as well give up on life. With nothing to hold on, or rooted down she might just lose her mind.

She didn't understand it. They had hated each other at first, but after a while he was a comfort and each day was more exciting. Battle tactics and strategies and caring for his daughter, Rin… eating awkward meals together….How could he die on her?

The sobs that were now silent were louder and her whole body shook with vigor, and to a curious onlooker from afar, it could look as if she were convulsing. Her body ached all over. Everyday was filled with the same emotional trauma. The startling realization that he was gone, and acting like it had happened for the first time ripped her apart.

(I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears)

She wanted to listen forever, the truth in the words hurt her every time she heard them, but it hurt more without them. She was so tired of life, there was no adventure, no exciting turn in it anymore. It was a monotonous nothing, no one to look forward to, but death.

(And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone)

She remembered the first time she actually saw him, and she was so scared, so frightened of him, but she put on her bravest face and negotiated. That started the beginning of her real full life and deep inside her mind; it was classified as the scariest and the happiest day of her life. The courage to walk boldly in the presence of a mighty force and his huge ego, she would never regret it.

------------------------------FLASHBACK-----------------------------------------

"Come on Shippo, it's now or never. Do you want to get trained or not?" Kagome asked with her hands on her hips in front of her son.

Shippo looked indignantly at his surrogate mother and said, "Of course"

But he looked tentative as he asked her another question, "But why him?" There was a pleading in his voice that made her think out her words carefully and make them resound with all the warmth, bravery and encouragement she could muster.

His ears twitched up and down nervously as she noticed his tail doing the same. His comical look was completed with the fiddling of his tiny paws. Kagome sighed as she watched his anxious movements, also feeling the trepidation.

"You know he's the best at fighting and he's a full demon, he'll teach you so much and we personally know his younger brother. He can't possibly refuse. You'll learn to control your fox powers, and do really cool stuff!" At this she laughed. "Shippo, don't be afraid of him." Rubbing his back lightly gave him some comfort and in return he gave a shaky sort of peculiar smile.

"You know Inuyasha would start yelling at you now correcting you that it was his 'half brother' not brother." He said this innocently, not noticing the total change in her.

She smiled sweetly and said nothing but her eyes darkened with sadness.

Shippo realized his mistake right after it came out of his mouth. "I'm sorry Kagome."

"It's okay Shippo", she answered quietly.

"Remember, don't be scared, he's just a big scary demon." She said it in a careless way trying to joke with him. With her failed attempt at a joke she asked again, "Shippo, please tell me if your afraid!"

Now she bent down beside the fox demon, who was shaking his head vigorously, confident he was not in the least scared, but could not utter a single word. She lifted him up onto her shoulder and gave a big smile. "I'm so proud of you."

As they walked into the huge palace made of stone, she reminded herself that at times she was such a hypocrite.

------------------------------------End FLASHBACK----------------------------------------

(These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase)

At these words, she began kicking and punching the tree aggressively. The pain was just too much and it broke her apart 'bit by bit'; quoted from the psychiatrist that she saw almost every day. They had tried to take away the music but it was like cold turkey that turned out unsuccessful and it just came back full force—the suicide attempts starving herself on the Goshinboku, and sometimes she went back through the well to accomplish her own death. One time through her deluded attempts, she had taken Inuyahsa's sword and tried to make him kill her in his blood lust.

-----------------------------Flashback------------------------------------

This was the first time she left the CD player since his death. She ran towards the red clad figure with all her strength. Her 'goal' was quite astonished and stood blankly for a few seconds before saying, "What the--!"

Inuyasha jumped away just in time before she could even touch him, but the sound of a sword coming out of its scabbard made him wince. "Kagome! No!" Although his demon speed was more than fast enough, his body had bended low to spring off, while Kagome had pulled the sword from him.

The demon side of him was almost out of its confines even with the protection of the sword gave him. Over the course of time, the sword's barriers started becoming frail and the more he or someone accidentally or purposefully had left or taken his sword, he would only get worse. The demon in him needed no prodding.

She watched terrified as he turned into a monster. The wind swept his billowing hair around and with his head turned down; she could not see the purple stripes on his face. The ears disappeared suddenly and she gasped. This was her life on the line and she was going to exploit the situation as best as she could. She threw away the sword into the near by brush.

The demon jerked his head up and smirked slowly showing his elongated fangs, but the look of him ready to make havoc, was changed in a second. He looked broken and the real Inuyasha in him forced himself not to kill the prey in front of him. He would do anything to stop her from getting killed, but it had only turned out for the worst. Red blurred in front of her and he was gone. She thought this through….oh, no…

She whispered, "He's gone to the village."

By the time she got there, there was nothing left to save. Kaede had died long ago, so she had no personal losses to mourn. Sango and Miroku had built up a demon slayer village and had trained anyone who was mentally and physically fit.

There were signs of destruction lay everywhere with dead corpses lying carelessly on the ground, covered in blood and all the huts in shambles. So many dead, ones who actually wanted to live… She felt so guilty; even though her life didn't mean anything, she had broken the lives of many others.

She shed no tears.

Just how heartless had she gotten, she wondered. She arrived at the well and nearly tripped on something bulky on the path. It was Inu Yasha, albeit an unconscious Inu Yasha. In his hand was the Tetsuseiga. She bent down and kissed his cheek, 'good luck brother' she said and climbed back into the well.

-----------------------------------END FLASHBACK-------------------------------------------

(When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me)

Her anger was slowly subsiding when this point of the song was sung and she tried to bring her breathing to a normal level. As the music went on, she screamed loudly, "YOU HAD ALL OF ME! YOU DIDN'T NEED TO!" She let out a few coughs at the end. In her mind, flashed the last day of her love's life.

Fighting with Inuyasha again, that day she reminded herself of how she fancied herself in love with the half demon so long ago and in her foolishness, told him to never kill Inu Yasha. She had to know that one of them would die and how she prayed in vain that he would just cast aside his oath, for Inu Yasha was getting more demon everyday and the haunting red eyes more frequently appeared.

They had another one of their stupid disagreements. The only difference about this fight was only one came out of it alive. Inuyasha stupidly threw away his only hope- the Tetsuseiga. He turned slowly into a monster and Sesshoumaru tried dodging every attack, but the monster had the resolve of someone whose actual life was on the line and had lost his common sense. Sesshoumaru died honourably and she respected him so much, but consequently left her moping on earth miserable, just like Kikyo…

(You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me)

She sighed. This part of the song always reminded her of one of her favourite memories with the demon lord.

----------------------------FLASHBACK--------------------------

A young woman and a stunningly handsome man too perfect to be real were on the parapet watching the stars in the sky. The woman was dangling her legs over the edge, while the other stood regally beside her.

"Sesshoumaru, tell me, why do you put up with us?"

"I do not explain my reasoning to you, girl." The stoic being behind her articulated.

She chuckled. "You should know by now that I resent being called 'girl'. It reminds me of words like 'wench' and words of the like."

"You are speaking differently."

"You think? Not everyone can match up to your brains." She had just wanted to impress him, show him that she could be as intellectual and wise as he was.

"Why?" It was a question that did not need many words to complete it. _'Why did you take me and little Shippo into your care? I had nothing to offer.'_

"I want you to respect me as a person. Not some 'girl'. Especially if you're training Shippo, I want these arrangements to work."

He was silent for a moment, and then answered to her former question, "Rin needs more companionship- someone her age."

"I see now…" In reality she did not see, and she didn't think she wanted to. She made herself believe it was because of herself. That he had known when he had seen her that he felt something shift, that the world had stopped in that moment. It had already only been half a year but it seemed like she had grown so much since then and her fondness for the demon lord was becoming more serious for her and she did not want to get caught in the trap she was weaving herself into.

She hastily changed the subject. "He's getting better isn't he?"

"He has grown in strength, power and mind."

She couldn't help it anymore. She'd see what would happen. "Sesshoumaru, can I ask you another question?"

Silence ensued.

Kagome took that as a yes. "Do you like me?" She wasn't prepared for what he had for an answer to her query.

He walked away, leaving her to her own conclusions. He was disgusted with her emotions. She knew he would never like a human. Why did she even have to ask such a silly question? Her crying broke through the silence.

A few seconds later, a clear voice punctuated her tears. "I thought it obvious. Why would I put up with a loud girl and a lowly fox demon for so long?"

With that, he walked away again and she stopped crying and smiled. He wasn't so cold after all.

She brooded over his words again and ran after him. She caught up and yelled, "Hey! Shippo's not a lowly fox demon! Come back here!"

------------------------------------FLASHBACK--------------------------------

She was brought out of her reverie by a sudden revelation.

Inuyasha was still alive… although barely hanging onto a thread of his humanity.

'REVENGE!' screamed through her mind. After all he had been the one to kill him.

Thoughts crept into her head slowly. She didn't know what was happening. Her voice of reason was gone. The CD player crashed down onto the dirt. It cracked after impact. Her eyes widened in realization. The music stopped playing, but the words still played in her head.

(These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase)

(When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me)

It was all Inuyasha's fault and she would make sure he would pay…but..

(I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along)

She knew she had to get rid of these thoughts before she did something she regretted. She walked over a few meters to her destination. She scuffed her shoes in resignation. The words engraved into the granite tombstone simply said

_Sesshoumaru_

She wanted to be with him so much. It was an ache that never went away. It consumed her very being; nothing like a physical hurt for it was inside her soul, rotting. No psychiatrist was going to help. She had to do this on her own.

(When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me)

She ran into the house and went straight to where her mother kept the cleaning supplies. She emerged coming out with a bright orange bottle clutched tightly in her hand. Looking around, she saw no one. Standing on top of his ashes, which were buried five feet underneath, she took the top of the bottle in her hands.

Before she started, she had one more thing to say before she could be with him.

"This is for you Sesshoumaru," and gulped the burning liquid down her sore throat.

How could he die on her? He was immortal, he couldn't die….

He was her immortal

My immortal

(A/N I edited it, did anyone notice how many times I wrote Inuyasha in this… and this is supposed to be sesskag…) hope you liked it! Tell me what you think!


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